Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I love you.
Bad choice
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
