we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
