The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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