So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
