Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
