Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
