I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
