I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
