He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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