My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
