Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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