In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
