I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize