Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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