His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
pray to the hookup gods
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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