I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
