There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
