When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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