If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
