Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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