I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
