She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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