how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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