Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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