i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
