It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
