hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we're making bets on your personal life
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
