Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i drank out of a bidet.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
