I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
