sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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