You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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