Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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