Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
