if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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