I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
