first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
