Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
