My first STD was from a foam party
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
