Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
