When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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