Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
