Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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