On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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