Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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