Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Rumble strips road head = magical
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
