he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
