Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
