just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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