How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
