Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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