Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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