I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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