my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
